ANUSTART

Holy shit, it's actually happening.

I leave to study abroad...

today.

WHAT.

But seriously, though: where did the time go? It feels like just yesterday was the beginning of summer. Blah blah blah clichés blah blah blah. That's actually a bold-faced lie. It doesn't feel like summer just started and I don't say that because I felt summer was long and boring. Not at all! Quite the opposite, actually. I feel that of all the summers I have lived through in my short twenty years of life, this summer was actually the most productive, meaningful, and rewarding one yet.

Sure, some pretty shitty stuff happened. But in comparison to all of the amazing stuff that happened, it is absolutely insignificant in retrospect. I mean, the only two bad things that happened this summer were my three weeks working at a shit-hole internship at the beginning of the summer and being told that I had been lied to in a relationship for about four months. Oh, and the best part is that he lied and also said he always knew he didn't have strong feelings for me and only stayed in the relationship because he enjoyed my affection, sweet cards, and numerous gifts. 

In my life, I try to be a very forgiving, loving person (I actually made peace with a high school ex-boyfriend this summer). I always try to find the good in people, and if they wrong me, I always try to justify it and give them the benefit of the doubt. But you, asshole: you can honestly go fuck yourself. 

I know I've probably said this before a *million* times, but I'm done with immature boys. Absolutely done. I no longer want to have a boyfriend in college. Every guy I have encountered has been immature, obnoxiously horny, and often very womanizing. At this time in my life, I'm going to date myself and my future. Buck foys. Call me in 3-7 years when you mature.

At the beginning of the summer, I made myself a little (read: "big") summer goals list. I taped it to my bathroom mirror that way I could read it every day and remind myself of my goals. Honestly, though, looking at it now, I feel like all of my goals were either insignificant or impractical. Here are a couple worth mentioning and reviewing:

Learn how to cook: LOLCity, Population: Me. Well, I almost burnt the kitchen down by trying to make a quesadilla. So that happened this summer. BUT, I did perfect the sunny side up eggs with sriracha. And at least I can make some mean chocolate chip cookies. Every other food, though: NOPE.

Make money & save money: I actually accomplished this goal! I worked three different nannying jobs all summer and picked up about two shifts at Sew to Speak. I checked my bank account today, and I ended up earning over $800 from all of that work this summer. Pretty damn worth it, I'd say.

Get another piercing or tattoo: So, I didn't accomplish this goal this summer...but there's always the fall. When in London, do as the Londoners do. ;)

Learn how to blow glass: I obviously set this goal when I began "interning" at my first internship. While I wasn't there long enough to learn how to blow glass, I don't even care. I can always take a class at CCAD or something. Glass blowing looks amazing, but it's not worth it when the instructors are glassholes (get it?).

Spend time with family: Of all of the goals I set for myself this summer, this was the most important one for me to achieve. And I definitely feel that I achieved it. I know I say this a lot, but I mean it more and more every time I say it: I have the most incredible family ever, and I am truly blessed.

Mamacita & Sammy

Kalli & Sam

Papa & I

Sean, Steph, & Porter

Rachael, Spencer, & Sammy (again)

Sommer, Ernesto, & Maya

I feel like we should have our own catchy theme song. Like The Brady Bunch, only we're not a joint family. 

Sure, I didn't accomplish everything I initially wanted to accomplish this summer, but I did so much more. With the help of the amazing guys at CivitasNow, I discovered my passion. I discovered my dream job. I discovered that advertising isn't what is portrayed in Mad Men. 

I finally found my purpose in life. Isn't that all we strive for in life any way? Naw, just kidding, that's not all we strive for, but it is a large portion. This summer, I realized that the career that will fulfill me the most involves communicating messages in a meaningful, honest, and inventive way. 

Graham, Matt, and Jacob: thank you, from the bottom of my heart for teaching me this, amongst many other things. You guys are the best, and I miss you already. Also, I can't wait to be home again to work with you guys: both over my breaks and post-grad! Everything is going to be amazing, and I just can't wait. 

No, guys. Thank YOU.

So, summertime is over, and now it's time for me to begin what is supposed to be one of the biggest adventures of my life. This is it. It's happening, alright. London, England: here I come!!

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"For last year's words belong to last year's language

And next year's words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning."

-T. S. Eliot

Staying in My Shell

For so long, I've been wanting to write a new post, but inspiration hasn't struck me and my horribly busy schedule has prevented it from happening. So much has happened in the past couple of weeks, but I just couldn't get myself to write. Why? Maybe it's the winter blues, maybe I've just been too busy? Who knows. But either way, I'm back.

I've had a lot of successes in the past week, which I am so grateful for. Not Our Forte is a legitimate group with such talented singers. They're all hilarious, too, which is definitely a plus. I've been contacted by multiple news sources on campus to be interviewed about starting the group with my friends, and it feels so great! I honestly feel so flattered that other students think we're a worthwhile story and that we've actually succeeded in our pursuits. We have had, what, three practices at this point? We're already a family, and I love it. I feel like I've known these crazy kids for years. I'm so excited to see what we accomplish and what beautiful music we create over the next couple of years. Side note: word on the street is that people think because our name is "Not Our Forte" that means that we all can't sing. That is false. We can, in fact, sing, and we would happily challenge any non-believers to a sing-off a la Pitch Perfect.

<3 NOF Love <3

Dan and Matt can whistle and hum at the same time. My mind is blown.

Our game of telephone charades took a dark turn when I interpreted "wizard" as "masochistic prostitute"...........don't ask me what goes on in my mind, I have no answer for you.

The laughs are endless and at rehearsal. It's the best.

NOF Love: from our family, to yours. (This picture is missing our newest boy, Ben. Sorry Ben!)

Another recent happening has made me just as happy: I was appointed to be the Managing Editor for STITCH Fashion Magazine on campus! This past year, I have served on STITCH Exec Board as the Director of Fundraising & Advertising. When I applied to be on STITCH Exec again, I honestly thought I didn't even have a shot at Managing Editor, but I went for it any way. And I got it! I'm so excited to serve on STITCH exec again and to work with some really amazing people.

We have some big editor shoes to fill after these amazing people.

AND, as if that wasn't enough good news, I just found out that I've been approved by Northwestern to study abroad in London for Fall Quarter!!! I still need to apply to Goldsmiths College individually, but STILL! I'm almost there!

Cue The Clash! 

So, why do I still feel like I'm in a funk? I know I shouldn't be. This quarter has been damn long, but I've enjoyed the majority of my classes. I've had no major, distressing conflicts with anyone, and I feel like everything is going pretty well.........except for my love life.

Now, I don't want this to turn into a whiny journal where I bitch about how I don't have a boyfriend. I'm pretty happy being single, actually. That's not my problem. My problem is that I physically cannot talk to guys who I find really attractive. Either that, or if I do talk to them, I come off EXTREMELY sarcastic (like, more than I already am), and I'm sure that scares them off. My crippling anxiety with guys has always been around. In high school, I was a really shy person in all aspects. I had a small group of friends, never talked up in class, and most people didn't know who I was because I just kind of hid in my shell 24/7. When I came to college, I decided I wanted to be a different person in this respect. So, I forced myself to be really outgoing, and thus, I transformed. Most people here at school know me as being outgoing a lot of the time. 

But the one area where I never changed was with boys. 

I have a lot of guy friends, and I have no trouble talking to guys in different contexts, but the instant I am super attracted to a guy, I freeze. I actually become a deer in headlights. This realization came to me when I went to a Sigma Nu party last night. 

In case you didn't know, New Girl is based on my life.

Sigma Nu is without a doubt my favorite fraternity on campus. The guys are all very sweet, a bunch of my guy friends are members, and I am extremely attracted to a solid 80% of the guys. Which makes last night all the more crippling. As a single gal, all I wanted to do last night was hang out with friends, relax after completing a slew of exams and papers, and flirt. There was one guy in particular who I really wanted to talk to. Having never met before, all I wanted to do was introduce myself. But I just. couldn't. do it. The whole night I could see him looking at me and I at him, but neither of us actually interacted. It sucked. My awesome friend Matt even tried wing-manning for me, and every time I felt like the guy was about to talk to me, I ran away.

Why?? Just, why?

How can I beat my social anxiety with attractive boys? Am I doomed to a life of writing anonymous NU Crushes and spitting out sarcasm and physically running away from all guys I find attractive? 

Who knows. 

Maybe one day I'll be able to do more than introduce myself, shake a guy's hand, and run away. But as for right now, it seems that that is all I am capable of. Damn anxiety.

Also, I swear to God that someone who works for Buzzfeed stalks my life, because this article is just my life, 100%:

9 Foolproof Flirting Tips For The Socially Awkward

I know that I should be happy with who I am. And I really am, honestly. I feel like in this past year, I have accepted myself even more, I am finally pursuing my dreams (sorry for the cliché), and I am succeeding at the things I am doing. If I can just gain a bit more confidence with those cute guys, I feel like I'll feel much better.

Oh well. I guess it's best to keep on focusing on the positives. And, to blog more. This really is the perfect therapy for me. 

Hey, since you read through all of my whining/celebrating, enjoy this: 

Wait, I just realized you could have easily just looked at the pictures. If you did that and didn't actually read my post, well, I honestly don't blame you because I wrote a lot. I was gonna yell at you, then I realized I barely ever actually read things that people write..........so, this is awkward.

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"If it's both terrifying and amazing, then you should definitely pursue it."

-Erada

Rage & Relaxation

I am currently listening to the soundtrack of The Dark Knight Rises and typing this post with every force of my being. I think my roommate is concerned about the amount of anger and rage I have displayed today. My life right now is just a constant state of frustration. (I promise this whole post won't be a bitch fest, I just need to vent momentarily).

Some guys are just the worst. Scummy, dirt ball, jerks. I'm not saying I hate all men--not at all. I think a lot of guys are absolutely incredible. They make amazing friends, and I'm sure there has to be some guy out there who isn't a total scumbag. I'm merely speaking of the guys from my past. As much as they try to make up for the past, they dig themselves deeper and show their scumminess even more as the years go on.

That's all.

Honestly, it makes me want to punch something. Can guys just stop being so skeezy? News flash: girls aren't into that. At least the classy girls aren't. Oh, and also, if you have a girlfriend, you should NEVER send a valentine to a girl you previously had a thing with. Ever. Period. Just a little piece of advice...

Any way, while I'm still full of rage at the mail I received today, I will instead try to focus on the positives of my life right now as opposed to dwelling on the negatives.

As I mentioned in my previous post, I went home this past weekend, which was the best decision ever. It was so great to be with my family, to sleep for 12+ hours, and to watch the Olympics nonstop.

I chilled with my little nephew Sammy a lot. I mean, just look at that adorable, pensive face. 

When I was home, I also visited two great places: one old favorite, and one new.

The old favorite is a store that I have been shopping at since 2008, one year after I moved to Ohio. The name of this magical store is none other than Wholly Craft!:

That's right. It IS pink. And it's fabulous. 

The best bags ever. 

I'm all about the puns. You see, I work at a shop in Columbus called Sew to Speak, and my two favorite stores in Columbus are Wholly Craft! and What The Rock?!. Stores in Columbus are the bomb.com.

From Wholly Craft!, I got some pretty sweet stuff (an awesome globe necklace and a sticker for my computer that reads "Knitting is Knotty"), but by far my favorite purchased item was this:

It's...it's beautiful.

Yes, your eyes are correct in perceiving this beautiful sight. It's a mug with a cat on it that reads "Forever Alone". And truer words have never been spoken.

After my adventures in Wholly Craft!, I ventured to a new record store with my mom to add to my slowly growing vinyl collection. Going with my mom was such a treat. When we were in the shop, she pointed to at least five concert posters that she attended. Hendrix, Joplin, Jefferson Airplane, The Doors, you name it: my mom was probably at that concert. Like mother, like daughter. <3

Classics.

Jefferson Airplane

The Doors

Lost Weekend Records

And here's what I indulged in:

Neutral Milk Hotel

Vampire Weekend

And the best: $5 Queen records.

It really doesn't get any better than this. 

So, now I'm back at school, enjoying the sweet tuneskies, catching up on my work, trying to ignore the vile humans, and looking on the positive side of every situation. I gotta say, it's really hard to do. But, I'm trying my best, and that's all I can do. 

Keep on keepin' on, friends. This post would be longer and more thoughtful if I wasn't so rage-filled. Stay tuned for more. Maybe I'll find my zen zone soon. Hopefully...

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"We accept the love we think we deserve."

-The Perks of Being a Wallflower