Reflections at Green Mill

Thursday was one of the best days I've had in a long time.

Spontaneity often is not present in my life, but something propelled me into that state on Thursday. At the risk of getting too deep, the past couple of months have been pretty mentally and emotionally rough for me. While I have been taking prescription anti-depressants for severe anxiety and mild depression since January 2014, the past couple months have not particularly fostered a happy mental state.

While I know all people experience anxiety and depression in varying manners and my experience is not at all representative of each and every individual's experiences with depression, I experienced feelings so low, I had not been so down in quite a while. I attribute the majority of my depressive feelings to my illness Winter Quarter, and the intense learning curve that I had to endure upon returning to Northwestern Spring Quarter. My body was still extremely feeble, my mind was not prepared for Northwestern's academic wrath, and I felt so behind in all of my different social circles. The amalgamation of these factors caused me to spiral into a horrifying depression. Luckily for me, however, I am blessed to have incredible parents, siblings, and best friends who all helped me and guided me through the process of finding a professional to talk to.

That day in May that I called Northwestern's Counseling and Psychological Services number, my life turned around for the better.

Since talking to a psychologist about my depression and anxiety, I've seen a huge change in my life. More spontaneity, more happiness, and most importantly, more self compassion.

And this leads me to the present: life is amazing. Sure, I have days where the depression sinks in, but now I am at the point where I know what to do to get myself out of that state, and into a more positive state of mind.

While I've had many incredible days and moments so far this summer, Thursday is representative of them all. In the early afternoon, I jumped on the L equipped with my Microeconomics textbook and notes, unsure of where I would dispatch. This spontaneity filled me with an overwhelming feeling of autonomy and confidence.

Eventually I decided to depart at the Belmont red line stop, as I have recently fallen in love with the Lakeview/Boystown region of Chicago. I wandered around until I found a coffee shop called Osmium, and settled there with my chapters of game theory to read and my extremely strong iced coffee to consume. I really should have put more sugar in it in hindsight.

As if it were meant to be, the instant I finished reading the last sentence of my required reading, my friend and twin Molly walked into the cafe, swooped me up, and we tarried on.

Wandering down Belmont, we passed a piercing and tattoo parlor, where Molly mentioned how much she wanted to get another piercing. We walked past the parlor, but within a couple paces, I stopped our walking pattern, turned us around, and suggested being impulsive and getting a piercing. 

Sorry Mama and Daddy, I did indeed get "another hole in my head".

While I bled a lot, there was barely any pain and Molly and I were able to continue on our Wes Anderson worshipper-esque adventure.

Molly the goddess pre-piercing.

Wandering through Lakeview, we stumbled into numerous adorable shops, clothing stores, and even an exotic, super exclusive store called "Bed Bath & Beyond". We tried on Elsa and Anna baseball hats and I *might* have lice now. Worth it? NOPE.

(jk I don't have lice, I have very clean, bug free hair)

After eating a burrito that legitimately changed my life (if you're close to me, you've probably heard this story a nauseating amount of times at this point but DEAL WITH IT because that burrito was mad real. La Tacorea, I will be back. Probably at least ten thousand more times before I die.

As the sun began to set, and Molly and I had walked an immeasurable amount of miles, we head toward the L once again to go to Uptown. It was time to SCHWING!

Yeah, more like: 

Oh, Green Mill Tavern, I owe you so much. Within the course of two hours, you transported me to the 1930s, brought back so many high school jazz band feels, and made me feel so incredibly connected to myself and the world.

I don't really know how to concretely describe the feelings I felt at Green Mill's swing dancing night, but if I had to choose one word, it would be "refreshed". It felt as if I completely belonged in a single space. Alright, alright, this is your chance to interject a hipster or grandma joke. Yes, the two main demographics were hipsters and individuals 85 and up. That really shouldn't surprise you.

After sipping on a glass of white wine, and pounding back an Old Fashioned, Molly and I were itching to groove. We stood next to the dance floor in the hope a lad would ask us to dance. Really, we wanted to dance with one of the 85+ men (not in a creepy way, I promise. They all were super talented swing dancers!). Finally, I was asked to dance by a middle-aged British gent. He was sweet and twirled me around, so I could properly show off my dress. It's as if this rando new I sewed that particular dress solely for the purpose of swing dancing.

Oh, and so I didn't have to buy another dress for sorority recruitment.

I miss playing my trombone after watching these guys jam.

Molly and I are both old people at heart, and began getting sleepy around 11pm and ducked out. I felt I always knew this, but spending time at Green Mill further reinforced the fact that I am a progressive old soul. What the hell do I mean by this? While the majority of my views and stances on different issues are liberal and progressive, I am ultimately an old soul at heart. I love old jazz music. I love the community that I felt in that swing club. While I most definitely consider myself to be a feminist, I still love the idea of a man coming up to me, asking me to dance, treating me with respect and love and equality. At the end of the day, I am a hopeless romantic, and I just hope that there are still people on this planet who are like me. 

After all, all I really want is someone to eat pizza and drink beer with while watching Parks and Rec for the fifth time through.

That's right, two Parks and Rec GIFs in one post, deal with it.

In addition to these realizations, I just felt such a strong sense of myself. In that two hour span, I was 100% confident, happy, and content with life. For someone who has been so unhappy for the past couple of months, this was huge for me. This summer, I have worked on things that make me feel passionate and self-compassionate: learning photography skills, writing copy for CivitasNow, reading poetry, and preparing for my quickly approaching post-grad life.

I'm proud of these photos I created:

I have spent time inside of a hot air ballon. I have been spanked by gay guys doused in glitter on the street. I have been reunited with the best ice cream in the world. I have fallen in love with a neighborhood of Chicago. This summer has been incredible.

An artistic rendering of Wicker Park.

This summer definitely hasn't been easy for me. It's been a whirlpool complete with a horrible guy from my past at the very beginning, challenging classes, an incredible guy near the middle, chaos, insecurities, adventures, anxiety, humid days, best friends, good food, and feeling like I'm becoming myself fully again. Sure, there are still days where I have no energy to shower and live life and just want to watch Mad Men for ten hours while sulking, but this summer has helped me to do less of that and more of the actual living. I feel as if I am coming back to life. My life is mine again, and I intend to live it to the absolute fullest.

I feel so alive, and all is becoming good again. 

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"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."

-Robert Frost