I Want You To Want Me

I really hate this day.

Photo credit: Phoebe. Meme credit: Me. 

Now, before you think, "Oh, Sydney's just bitter because she's single and is spending her day eating chocolate biscuits and whiskey and listening to Spotify break-up playlists", just hear me out.

Here's the thing about Valentine's Day: if you love someone in your life, shouldn't you let them know that you love them every day? Shouldn't you do random acts of love just for the heck of it to show them that you don't need a day designated by Hallmark to show your affection only one day a year?

Literally, me today.

I don't know, that's just what I think about this day. Maybe I'm just asking for too much out of people. After all, every one of the relationships and "things" I've had with guys in my life so far ended because I expected too much out of them.

Let's examine this claim though, shall we? I'm probably biased, but if you know me, you know that when it comes to relationships, I don't really ask much of the person I'm with. My idea of a fun date could be anything from sitting inside, watching Netflix together or going for a walk in a park. I don't require fancy restaurant dates or being taken to fancy concerts or whatever. (Although, I do love that stuff occasionally. All girls and guys do). 

All that I ever ask from the guys I'm with is that they care for me as much as I care for them. In every relationship I'm in, I find myself always being the one to do romantic things for my partner. But let me clarify something: these "romantic gestures" aren't big. Most of the time, they're as simple as telling them how much I appreciate them and enjoy being with them. Texting them to see if they're having a good day. Holding their hand and letting them know that I'm there for them if they ever need me. Call me crazy, but I don't think that's a lot to expect out of someone you're romantically involved with...

People say I get attached too fast. People say I care too much and that I need to wait a long time before showing affection toward boys-- and I guess that's something I need to work on before getting into another relationship. But the thing is, this is just who I am. I act this way with my friends, too. I care for people. I love to show people that I love them. I love seeing people happy and loved and cared for. That's who I am, and why should I change who I am just to conform to the majority of the population?

Something something "love is conformity" emo poem blah blah. 

I guess it's just a way to prevent myself from getting hurt in my next relationship. The fact is that if I show people how much I care too soon, I'll be used like I have been way too many times in the past.

And honestly, I'm done with that shit.

I've been thinking about how I am in relationships and why I get hurt so much and I've come to the conclusion that there's a fundamental flaw in our society in people under 30. 

I recently read an article in Cosmopolitan Magazine titled, "Why College Dating Is So Messed Up?", and it described so perfectly what I've been trying to put into words for so long.

The article makes a lot of really great points, and I encourage all to read it (even you, guys: everyone experiences to some extent what this article describes). What I found to be the most interesting point for why dating people in my age group is so screwed up is what author Charlotte Lieberman calls the "whoever cares less wins" game. 

We're all Patrick here.

Think about it: if you met an attractive guy or gal and got their phone number, what is usually your next step? Do you text or call them right away? Of course you don't! You wait. You pretend like you could absolutely care less if you ever hear from them. But is that how you really feel? Maybe in some cases it is, but I would dare to say that in the majority, that's not the case.

While I can only speak for the female heterosexual community (as that is the only one I have personal experience from), what I've observed and have even practiced myself is this "whoever cares less wins" waiting game. And I can bet with great confidence that everyone, regardless of your sexual orientation or gender identification, has experienced something similar.

I can't tell you how many times I've been in a room with my girlfriends, surrounding a cell phone, waiting for it to light up with the name of the boy of interest. So many of my friends, including myself, have received texts from a person of romantic interest and then began this "Waiting Game". Why? Because, oh no, I can't text them back right away, that would seem too eager! But I can't wait too long or else then they might think I'm not interested. I'll wait, hmm, let's say 12 minutes. I can't wait 10 minutes because then they'll totally know I'm waiting on purpose. Yeah, 12 minutes sounds perfect.

Bullshit. It's all just bullshit. And we're all guilty of it! And if you're not guilty of this, then kudos to you for not getting sucked into society's greatest web of denial and lies.

I wish we would all just stop playing this stupid game. If you like someone and you're interested in seeing where things might go romantically, just text him or her! If they think you're "too eager" or whatever shit, then you wouldn't want to be with them any way. 

That's what I think, at least. 

On second thought, maybe you shouldn't take advice from me on account of the fact that my dating track record isn't very good... I've dated about five guys: two casually, and three in official relationships. I have yet to be in a relationship that has lasted longer than four months. Yeah, so, not exactly the best track record.

Chuck Bass understands me.

What I've realized is this: I tend to just choose the wrong guys. I'm not sure why, but it just kind of happens. My mom stated it best when she said that I'm in love with the idea of being in love. Yet, so much so that I fail to choose a guy who treats me the way I deserve to be treated because I want to be loved so badly. That probably explains why I've remained in so many bad relationships when I should have had the sense to see how I was being treated and move on. I just want love; which can be very dangerous. 

You know what? Screw it. I'm not going to change the way I am toward other people. I will always care for and love others. What I will change, however, is my caution toward others and the love toward myself. I will begin to make sure I can trust people before giving them my whole heart. I will wait for them to reciprocate and show me their heart. And, I will learn to love myself enough to know what I deserve. It's only fair.

So, yeah: I'm single for yet another Valentine's Day. So what? Yeah, it sucks to see people posting pictures of their presents from significant others on Facebook and walking around the mall watching couples hold hands and kiss. It sucks to think that tonight I will cuddle with my dog (which really isn't a bad thing), probably catch up on Parks & Rec, and turn in around 10:30 to my empty bed where I am a lone spoon. I won't wake up to a kiss on the cheek or breakfast in bed or a soft whisper in my ear.

None of this will happen for me.

But, I am totally okay with this because I live with the hope that one day I will be able to share my love with a handsome, funny, intelligent, goofy, caring, perfectly imperfect man. And until that day, I will continue living happily and proudly single. I'm proud of the type of person I am, what I have achieved, and I don't need a man to be fulfilled. Men are simply complementary to the successful, happy life I am building for myself.

If there's one thing I've learned through heartbreak, it is that love doesn't only have to come from someone you're romantically involved with. It definitely can and hopefully does, but that is not and definitely should not be your only source of love.

Love can come from family, friends, strangers, parents, acquaintances, nature, pets, co-workers, all of the above and more. So, if you're going through heartbreak today, remember: there are so many people in this world who love you. And many times, this love is stronger and more enduring than many romantic forms of love.

Embrace it. 

A snapshot of my brother and his fiancee, Rachael.

My Elliott.

The love between a father and his son.

Strangers helping each other out. 

If you're happily spending today with your significant other, don't let anyone rain on your parade. Enjoy the love or affection or whatever it is you share with that person with joy. If you're sad today, be sad. Cry if you want or need to, but remember: you're not alone in this vast world.

Dr. Richard Nygard is a GOD.

Feel any and every emotion you want to feel today, and don't let anyone tell you how you have to feel. Just because it's Valentine's Day doesn't mean you have to be madly in love with the person of your dreams. You can do whatever you damn please because this is your life and you get to choose how you wish to live it. 

Yeah, I'm that person who takes creepy pics of cute couples in parks in London.

Whether it's your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, life partner, best friend, dog, cat, bottle of wine, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, friends, or yourself: love the one you're with today.

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"It is both a blessing

And a curse

To feel everything

So very deeply"